Meeting your Vietnamese partner's family

Vietnamese uses family words as pronouns, so the first question is what to call everyone. On a first visit, call her mother cô (aunt) and her father chú (uncle) if they're younger than your own parents, or bác if they're older. You are cháu, niece or nephew. Grandparents are ông and bà. Ask your partner beforehand which to use; it takes ten seconds and saves an awkward moment.

In the South, many people call themselves con (child) with a friend's parents, which sounds warmer. Calling them bố mẹ (North) or ba má (South), Mum and Dad, comes later, usually after the engagement or when they invite you to. For the whole system, see our guide to Vietnamese pronouns.

With elders, two small words do most of the work: ạ at the end of a sentence, and dạ (yes) at the start of an answer. Dạ also works when someone calls your name, like yes? in English. Northerners also say vâng. A plain ừ (yeah) to her parents sounds rude, so leave it for friends.

Then come the questions: your job, your age, your family, how long you've been in Vietnam, whether you can eat Vietnamese food. Short answers that start with dạ and end with ạ are perfect. The Introductions phrasebook in the app covers more answers about yourself.

Never arrive empty-handed. Safe gifts: a nice box of fruit, good tea, cakes, something from your home country, or a bottle of wine or spirits if her father drinks. Hand it over with both hands and say it's a small gift for them. They'll probably tell you that you shouldn't have. That's politeness, so smile and insist gently.

Avoid knives and scissors, which suggest cutting the relationship, and handkerchiefs, which suggest tears. Skip black or white wrapping too, because those colours belong to funerals.

The meal is where the real meeting happens. Wait to be shown where to sit. Before anyone eats, the younger people invite the elders to start, oldest first: this is called mời cơm, and doing it in Vietnamese will be noticed and appreciated. Then wait for the oldest person to take the first bite.

Her mother will put food in your bowl, probably more than once. Eat it, praise it, and accept a second helping at least once. When you're full, say so politely. Never leave your chopsticks standing upright in the rice: it looks like the incense sticks offered to the dead.

If her father drinks, there's a good chance he'll want to drink with you. It's how many Vietnamese men get to know someone. When you toast an elder, hold your glass with both hands and keep it a little lower than his as you clink. The group toast is một, hai, ba, dô!, and trăm phần trăm means empty your glass.

You can pace yourself. Small sips are accepted, especially if you say so at the start. If you're riding a motorbike home, say that too: Vietnam allows no alcohol at all for drivers, so it's a reason everyone understands. If you don't drink, explain it politely before the first toast and raise tea or a soft drink instead.

Tết, the Lunar New Year, is the classic time for ra mắt. In 2027 it falls on 6 February, and family visits run for several days around it. Bring a gift as usual, wish each elder a happy new year, and prepare lì xì: lucky money in red envelopes, for her younger siblings, nieces and nephews. If you're working, giving lì xì to her grandparents is a lovely gesture too.

One taboo to know: don't be the first person through the door on the first morning of the new year unless they've asked you. The first visitor, xông đất, is believed to set the family's luck for the year, and many families choose that person carefully. For more wishes, see our Tết greetings guide.

Don't just slip away. Say goodbye to each elder, oldest first again, and thank them for the meal. Her parents may press leftovers or fruit on you as you go; accept with thanks.

The next day, send a thank-you through your partner, or directly if they've added you on Zalo. It's a small thing that gets remembered.