Vietnamese pronouns, made simple

Three ideas cover almost everything.

They come in pairs. If you call someone anh, you are em. If you call someone bác, you are cháu. Pick the word for the other person and the word for yourself comes with it.

Age decides. That's why Vietnamese ask your age, or the year you were born, so early in a conversation. It isn't nosy: they need to know what to call you.

The same word can mean I or you. Em is you when an older person speaks to a younger one, and I when the younger one answers. A mother calls her child con, and the child calls themselves con too.

Until you know someone's age, there are neutral fallbacks: tôi for I and bạn for you. They're fine with people around your age, though they can feel a little distant.

Here are the words for you, from youngest to oldest, with what you call yourself in return. The ages are rough: what matters is how much older or younger the other person seems compared with you.

Look at the person and ask: are they younger than me, about my age, a bit older, my parents' age, or my grandparents' age? Then pick from the chart.

When someone could go either way, choose the younger word. Most people would rather sound younger: a woman in her late thirties may prefer chị to cô, and a man of 45 may prefer anh to chú. With elders, bác is the safe choice, respectful whether they're 55 or 75.

Don't worry about getting it perfect. If you guess wrong, people usually correct you with a smile (Gọi chị là được rồi, just call me chị) and move on. Vietnamese do this with each other all the time.

For staff, use the same logic: em for a young waiter, anh or chị for someone your age or a bit older, and cô, chú or bác for the older owner of a street stall.

Tôi is the neutral, polite I. It's safe with strangers, at work and in formal settings, but between friends or family it can sound cold. In the South you'll often hear it said tui.

Mình is the friendly I between people of similar age, and it can also mean we. Tớ and cậu are a warm I and you between close friends, mostly in the North and among students. Most of the time, though, Vietnamese use family words for themselves too: em, anh, chị, cháu, con.

For we, chúng tôi leaves out the person you're talking to, and chúng ta includes them. Chúng mình is the friendly version of chúng ta.

For he and she, add ấy to the family word: anh ấy (he), chị ấy or cô ấy (she). Họ means they. Nó is it, or he and she for a child; for an adult you don't know well, it sounds rude.

With anyone your parents' age or older, call yourself cháu (grandchild, niece or nephew) and end the sentence with ạ for respect. In the South people often say con instead of cháu, which feels warmer.

This matters most when you meet a partner's family. Greeting the parents with Cháu chào bác ạ makes a far better first impression than a cheerful Xin chào. Our guide to meeting your Vietnamese partner's family goes further.

Answer an elder with dạ (or vâng in the North), never with the casual ừ.

In a couple, the man usually calls himself anh and his partner em, and she calls herself em and him anh, often even when she's the older one. That's why I love you is Anh yêu em from him and Em yêu anh from her. In same-sex couples it usually goes by age. Married couples sometimes call each other mình, a tender you, dear. Our guide to Vietnamese terms of endearment has the pet names.

In families everyone uses kinship words. Parents call themselves bố and mẹ (ba and má in the South) and call their children con. Brothers and sisters use anh, chị and em by birth order.

Friends of the same age use bạn and mình, cậu and tớ, or first names.

Tao (I) and mày (you) are the most casual pronouns in the language. Between close friends of the same age, or between siblings, they're normal and even affectionate. With anyone else they're an insult: switching from tôi to tao in an argument means the gloves are off, and they're what you'll hear in a shouting match over a traffic bump.

As a learner, don't use them unless your close friends use them with you first, and never with anyone older. It still helps to recognise them, because you'll hear them in films, on the street and in group chats, where they're often shortened to t and m.

Using bạn with everyone. It's what textbooks teach, but calling a 60-year-old bạn sounds odd and a bit rude. Use bác, cô or chú.

Calling yourself tôi with a partner or a close friend. It sounds cold, as if you were annoyed. Use anh, em or mình.

Mixing pairs. If you call someone chị, call yourself em. Tôi with chị isn't rude, just stiff.

Saying ừ to an elder. It's the casual yeah. Use dạ or vâng.

Calling a woman bà too early. Bà is for women of grandmother age. For a woman in her fifties, cô or bác is kinder.

The easy1000words app teaches every word in the chart with recorded audio, and its Introductions phrasebook puts them to work in greetings and small talk.